Friday, April 17, 2009

5. Stealing Secrets.

I sat at the stop for almost two hours before I gave up and finally went home. More than once I thought about taking the notes and running down to Kinko's to copy them,


but I was afraid that as soon as I left L would show up and wonder where all the notes were and I would miss my chance to see L. I want a copy of these notes, but I feel like I shouldn't take them. It feels like stealing. I feel like I'm stealing more than just paper. I'm stealing a glimpse into someone elses life. I'm experiencing so much of who L is and I understand the horrors that L lives. I'm taking L's dark secrets and putting them in my pocket and keeping a part of L, a part that I become very protective over, I feel as if I need to keep this part and nurture it, care for it, feed it and love it. It is my part in helping L. But I shouldn't feel this close to L. I only discovered L 24 hours ago and now I'm completely obsessed. The more notes I read, the more I get a haunting feeling that L knows me inside and out.

I tried to take photos of L's notes with my phone but it doesn't work. So as I wait, I read the notes out loud and record my voice.

This is what I read.

"I tried to express how I felt today. It didn't go so well. I was trying to communicate that I feel like I'm being taken advantage of because I'm reliable; consistent; conscience. I was trying to have a conversation about values and maybe questioning if the values my parents instilled in me are the best values to continue my life with. I think what trips me up is I feel like I'm betraying my parents if I question how they raised me. It may be hard to believe that I'm a twenty something that strongly believes that I was brought up the best way possible. I don't know a lot of people who feel the way that I do; then again maybe I just know the wrong people; people who have different values; people that I value, but are these the values I want?

"I don't know what it is, but I feel very negative, very worn out. I've become the person everyone depends on and I can't say no. So maybe that's my problem. But at this point, it feels easier to just give up instead of learning how to say no; and learning how to not let people walk all over me. The ironic thing is I try so hard to not let people walk all over me when I'm with people who are my friends, my family, my loved ones, the very people who would never walk over me. I try so hard that I become an ugly person making demands and threats just so I know I won't get taken advantage of; and I never do when I'm with them. But when I'm among people who aren't close to me I'm afraid to speak up for myself and get taken advantage of in the process. So maybe I'm displacing my emotion on the people close to me who don't deserve my wrath because I can't take a stand for myself when it counts.

"I'm trying to articulate these thoughts, but I can't and something goes terribly wrong; I lose it. I go into a self deprecating rage that consumes me and my relationships. I'm breaking down everything I've built and I'm so angry that I don't care. I wonder what I was so angry about? Was it how I felt or that I couldn't communicate it another person? Whatever the reason I ruin; I destroy; I lose."


ThanksThe Littlejohn Collection!

The note continues, but I stop recording and read the rest in silence. I can't vocalize this note any longer. My voice starts cracking and I choke back emotions that I'm not ready to feel. L's notes are becoming too raw, too accurate, too familiar. I'm scared to read more.


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