Friday, April 24, 2009

11. Depth Perception.

"I don't believe in God; not a Christian God anyway and I don't know enough about the other Gods to know if I believe in them or not. It's not that I don't believe in religion, I want to believe in religion; it's just that I have a hard time believing in abstract concepts. I wish I could have faith in something, I wish I had some guiding force to live my life by; but I ask too many questions instead of just believing. Sometimes I even have a hard time believing in science. I know it's based on real solid concepts, but sometimes I can't wrap my head around these facts, like I can't visual our galaxy because I don't have very good depth perception; I can't see things beyond a certain point. This has always been my problem: I can't believe and have faith in things that I can't see. But I'm trying to change that. I've gone my entire life not believing in anything and look where's it's gotten me. Nowhere. I'm lost and I'm broken and I can't see more than 10 feet in front of me but I live and dwell and stew in the past 10 years of my life like it was yesterday. Being that person has gotten me nowhere. So I'm trying something different. I'm going to try to find faith in something. I'm willing to blindly put my life in the hands of an abstract concept in the hopes that the tiredness and weakness, sorrow and misery, baggage and burden I've created and carry with me will be drowned out and soaked up by the good that is in this world because I believe that it's out there. I have faith that people are reading my notes. I have faith that they are giving me a shout out in their prayers. I have faith in myself that I will be able to change."

-L

L's note makes me feel sick. No it's my own guilt and lack of will power to change myself that really makes me feel like throwing up. I need to find a different bus stop to take to go home. I know it's weakness and fear that make me incapable of facing the dark places in my life but I don't care. I stare at L's note until the bus comes. Right before I get on the bus I rip half of the note off the door. It's my fuck you to L, it's me fucking myself over again and running away.

I put my half of L's torn note in my pocket and I know that today is my last day at this stop.

2 comments:

peaceofpi said...

I Like this post. I'm not sure of the intent behind it, but I like it!

shansPLC said...

thanks peaceofpi! it's part of my stories about L. I've recently encountered notes that hit a little too close to home.

thanks for stopping by.

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