Monday, April 20, 2009

8. Old Habits.

"One week ago I set my goal. My biggest fear was to fail; and I did. To me the failure was an inevitable but ever so small bump in my road to being a better person, barely perceptible except under the closest scrutiny. I went the entire week before I screwed up and I although I expected to falter once or twice on this journey, I didn't expect it to happen so soon. But I expected to have this minor lapse forgiven, because in the grand scheme of what I'm trying to accomplish, it was a small error, a temporary slip back into my old ways. But to the people in my life, this mistake was a clear reminder of how horrible I can be and completely overshadowed any of the good that I tried to accomplish this past week.

I feel defeated.

Since I started my goal of being a better, more positive person, I can think of nothing else; this goal consumes my thoughts, my actions, my reactions; I think about it constantly; I try constantly: I try not to constantly think about failing. I think if I can just get through one week, and then I can get through two weeks, and then three, and then the rest will just fall into place. But then the first week ended on a bad note and now I'm back to square one again. It's like the first week of of being the new me didn't happen, because to those who matter, it didn't, because they know one slip will lead to another and another and another until I fall back into my own habits.

I know it's hard for those closest to me to believe me when I say I will change because if I said it once, I've said it a thousand times and I've never changed. In attempting to be successful, I decided to reach out to you for support. I need to know that no matter what you will be there to support me. I can't do this alone. In order to change, in order to be a better person to the people in my life, I need to look beyond them for help because I'm beyond their reach, they can only do so much, before they give up, before they just assume that I'm a lost cause, before I begin to believe I am. "


Today I finally see a new note. I don't know if L put this note up today or if it was over the weekend or if it was last Friday. I avoided the stop after my nightmare. I needed to stop thinking about L for a couple of days because these note's touch me a little too much; a little too close. L's notes have made me address issues about myself that I thought I buried so deep that they would never resurface. I thought I would never go back to that dark, painful place, but with a few notes from a stranger, I'm beginning to relive a traumatic part of my past that will expose the secrets I have tried so hard to keep from everyone in my life.


ferdnerd said...

Great article BFF

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