Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Eyes Closed
Eyes Open
Eyes staring out the window
A morning haze veiled
Red and yellow
Words never spoken
Spoken words exchanged

My eyes are staring out a window that is veiled by a red and yellow tapestry,

Thanks wade from oklahoma!

staring into a morning haze; staring at the words of the previous night. Words were exchanged; between two people who never spoke to each other, two people deafly making their way through the cacophony of love. And because words were exchanged things can never go back to the way they were.

I began to unveil the truth while staring out the window into the morning's haze; the night before we were both honest with each other and I was finally honest with myself. As I turned over and saw you sleeping beside me I couldn't help but replay your words over and over in my head. Not Again. Each time the cassette looped more and more of the truth came out. Again. And every time your words rang through my head, I shrunk further and further away. But, like always, you were still there, with a sleepy arm moving to grab my body; to hold, to expose, to really understand and to see. But to love? Words were exchanged. 'I love you.' Pause. Blank. 'You love me? How can you possibly love me? You don't even know me. You just think you love me. This is not love. I know what love is and this is not it, this is an infatuation. You love they way I look, you don't love who I am.' Pause. Pause. Don't say it. Gulp. 'You love me because everyone wants me and can't have me, but you can have me and you think that means I love you? I don't, I just don't.' Pause. 'I can't.' I should have told you that I can't love you because I don't know how to love you. I don't even know how to love myself. Is sex love? You seem to think so. I give you sex in exchange for your love and then I am loved.

I didn't mean for this to go on this long. I only mean to tease the little fishes with my delicate line and dainty hook.

Thanks scazza!

I never meant to get one caught up in the net of love. I only wanted to sit and dangle my feet off the dock and watch as all the pretty red and yellow fish swam to me, battling for the bait that I always kept just beyond their reach. I never meant for anyone to see through the haze, never meant for anyone to figure it out; but you did: You did as you watched. Your eyes were always on me; but I pretend not to notice. Your stare is so intense that it pierces to my very core. But do you know this? Do you know that with every shift of your pale blue eyes, I feel as if you're undressing me and unveiling the truth about my empty soul? You keep searching, watching, looking for something that's not there, for something that I don't have to give. My waters are too shallow for me to feel anything; to love anyone. Yet, you keeps disrupting the current and the more you do the harder it is for me to stay above water. I'm choking. I'm drowning . I can't breathe. Stop. Stop watching me, you won't find anything. I'm empty. I have no soul, no emotions, I'm just a body. I don't want you to look too close because you might see that there's something hiding; there's something to hide because there's someone to protect.

Thanks rickydavid!

Last night I saw you watch me as I started fishing. I began by tossing out my line with an aloof, yet sexy nature, with a body that bends and invites, with my massive tangle of hair that flies up then lands on the small of my back. I smile with wide eyes that sparkle with a mischievous gleam. My full lips slowly form a circular grip around my finger, then it moves from between my lips and runs a trail off my chin that disappears down my neck. As I lean my head slightly to one side the tip of my tongue traces the outer layers of my lips. Is any one watching? Everyone is watching. I know this, but I also know that you're the only one that sees me. You make me so conscious of each and every one of my movements. But I know I'm worthy of being watched; marveled at, but analyzed? NO! There's nothing about me that needs figuring out because I have it all together. I am confidence. But you saw otherwise.

I always wondered what it was about you that intrigued me. I had a whole school of fish to choose from, so why you? Last night I watched you. I watched you watch me. And I didn't like what I saw because you saw too much of my truth.

The red and yellow tapestry covering the window was billowing in the breeze, slowly revealing more as I recalled the exchange of words; the morning haze was getting cleared. 'But he's my roommate!' Pause. Pause. 'I just don't understand why you don't know what I'm pissed.' Gulp. I tensed up because I was afraid of what was coming next. My head was spinning and the only thing I could think to do was reach for a lighter. The sea of blankets that once wrapped us close together was now drowning me. I can't swim. Breathe. With every inhale I took in more of the truth. I'm not listening, but I hear everything. The wave is coming down over my head but I don't struggle; I don't want to confront this.

Thanks swingnut!

It's too much. 'Why do you always do this? You need all these guys liking you.' Breathe in. 'You just use people that like you to get what you want.' Breathe Out. 'Are you doing this to me too? You ignore me when other people are around.' Breathe. '...only when you need something.' Breathe in. 'Do you even care about me at all?! Do you? Do you even care that I love you.'

Just breathe and let everything settle in. I slowly began to see as I swallowed the salt that rubbed and tortured my wounds. Fuck. I knew I reeled my catch in too close. I should have thrown those pretty red and yellow scales back before you saw a little too much, you nailed it; described me so exactly that I couldn't help but cringe as I heard your words once again. I tossed around in the bed; but the tide was calmer now in the early morning light, the wave of truth finally broke and all that was left was the white waters of the receding crest;

Thanks chrisforsyth!

all that was left next to me was the one person who could really see; the one person who I could never love.

Words were exchanged and things can never be the same. Your arm around me now feels like the grip of guilt smothering me. Breathe. The game had gone on too long and I have only myself to blame. I'm alone and insecure, you're right. I love myself more than anyone and the more I know that I am love the more I love myself. I need the attention; the eyes watching. It makes me feel safe; people like me. But I never give it all away; I keep my distance which makes the eyes stare longer; harder. And you finally saw. And when words were exchanged I knew I had lost. Did I really think that I would get away with all the teasing and lying, faking in order to protect myself? Because underneath all the subtle mind games, I know what I'm doing; what I need to do - what I always do and it always works: I am loved. I never love. I love myself while all the eyes watch.


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