Sunday, May 3, 2009

15. Mind Games.

I needed a few days to collect myself after the elevator incident. More than anything I wanted to match the two halves together to confirm that it was indeed L's note. What I did instead was convince myself that I made a mistake, that it was just something that looked like the other half of L's note, that maybe my lack of sleep was making me see things that weren't there.

As I gathered my mail off the floor, I quickly tucked the note into the Safeway ad and tried not to look too closely at it, then maybe I could pretend that it didn't exist. The ad stayed untouched on the kitchen counter the next two days while I imagined scenarios to explain what I saw. I guess I could have easily figured things out by going down to the stop. I didn't. I had a new route to go home and I didn't want to interrupt that by going to the stop. Besides, I knew that going there would simply confirm that L's half of the note was still stapled to the door like it should be because it's crazy to think that it would be anywhere else. I was also trying to avoid going to the stop because there may be a new note and I didn't want to get wrapped up in the L drama all over again. I made my decision to end the relationship or obsession or whatever it was with L and I was moving on.

* * * * * *

By the time the weekend rolled around I was laughing at myself for being so foolish. How could I have thought that I saw L's note?? That was absolutely impossible. I was all mixed up with my dreams and lack of sleep. I was being very silly. I was starting to relax a little, but the note or whatever it was was still in the ad and I needed to get rid of it.

While I was making my grocery list, I casually grabbed the Safeway ad trying to pretend that I didn't know what was in there. As I flipped through it, my heart started pounding harder and harder in my chest, I didn't know when the mysterious note would pop up. I held my breath as I turned the last page and...


I felt a little perturbed. Where was the note?! I know I saw something in the elevator and expected to see something in the Safeway ad, something like a ripped page from the Crate and Barrel catalog or some other random piece of paper, something that would make me chuckle about letting my imagination run wild. Something, anything, not nothing. I fumbled through the other papers in the stack where the ad was, shaking things out to see if I missed something. I went through the recycle bin and all the trash cans in my house thinking that maybe it got tossed out my accident. I asked my boyfriend, he didn't throw anything away and neither did I, so I knew it had to be in the house.

Thanks bok_bok!

I went to my desk and emptied all the drawers to see if it somehow got misplaced and ended up with my bills, then I went through my boyfriend's desk and still nothing, then I went to the book shelf and shook out every single book. Then I went to the closet, the bedroom, even the bathroom on a desperate search, leaving everything torn upside down. By the end, I was crying tears of frustration sitting in the middle of my living room surrounded by a huge mess but no note. I don't know what I saw in that elevator, I was 100 percent sure that I saw something, but where is it now?

Was my mind playing tricks on me or am I just losing my mind?


M.J. said...

Interesting installment!

Children of the Nineties said...

Great post!

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