16. Who am I.

"It's happening again. I'm becoming consumed by a force I cannot control. I spew venomous verbal vomit; it dribbles down my chin and stains my shirt. It will be a constant reminder of my inability to maintain the dark monster that eats away at my soul; my well being; my mind; my life; my love. How do you tame a beast that turns ravenous on a whim? If you don't know what causes it, how do you stop it? Sometimes I think that I don't really want to stop it because when I put my mind to something I can do it, obviously I haven't put my mind to this or else it would have stopped by now. I think it boils down to my expectations; the standards that I hold others to, but more importantly the standards I hold myself to. I position my bar very high and as a result I have a hard time making and keeping friends; boyfriends; loved ones. The bar I position for myself is even higher and maybe the reason I expect so much from the people in my life is because I except a lot from myself and when I don't meet my own standards, I get very disappointed and I feel as if I should be punished, reprimanded, and made to suffer. I abuse myself when I don't live up to my ridiculously high expectations. These consequences are inevitable, unavoidable, self inflicted, but misdirected. I lash out at those closest to me when I let myself down because I feel like I should be yelled at, but there is no one to yell at me, so I do the yelling. I am such a disappointment to myself that I feel like I should be physically abused, but there is no one to hit me, so I do the hitting. I do the yelling and hitting and disciplining and forcing and arguing and I deserve this, but my victim does not. I want to take this anger and frustration out on myself but I don't, I should, but I don't. After years of knowing this, I finally think I know what the solution is: I need to lower the bar. I need to stop trying to be an image of perfection because I am not perfect. I need to stop expecting so much from other people because they only have so much to give. I need to stop being so hard on myself because they don't deserve the abuse. I need to wipe my chin and take my shirt to the cleaners so I don' t have a reminder of how awful I can be, instead I can have a clean shirt, a clean slate to start anew."

-SM

I fell asleep at my desk during lunch and found this note pressed against my face when I woke up; L's note; my initials.