My Lifeline. Part Two.

I am at the lowest point in my life, or maybe it just seems that way because I'm sober, well not completely sober, actually I'm stoned pretty much all the time because things just feel easier that way. Yet, I'm sober in the sense that now I am forced to live and experience life without the aid of engineered pills that made me live in a world where everything was carefree and fun, bright and hopeful, full of love and acceptance. I love the world and everything in it so intensely and so purely, but once those pills were gone, so was that feeling. I no longer know how to interact with people without those pills. But that girl; that Laugh, that was the real thing. She sounds so eager and innocent, ready for anything this world throws at her, but is she naive enough to believe that she will always catch whatever it is? That doesn't matter. At this point, I need something, regardless how stable it is to hold on to because I am about to let go of this life once and for all. It was that Laugh that save me. Even if I never connect with the person who laughs, the sound alone gives me hope. I decide to write again, this time my journal flourished with optimism.

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March 1999

Faith, a concept created for the tired, the weak, the hopeless, created to cure these individuals, to give them, us, me strength. And it works, it really does if you let yourself have faith in faith, if you let yourself believe and to me right now, it's the one thing that keeps me going. Yes I'm breaking down, I've seen what our world does to people, it changes us, numbs us, corrupts us, fuels us, then leave us with nothing; except an accurate picture our ourselves, who we are and what we can handle. If people didn't have adversities to overcome, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't know what I could handle and I pride myself in having made it through it all because I am capable, everyone is. So yes, it is possible to believe, to have faith because through it all and in the end this abstract concept gives me comfort in knowing that the tiredness and weakness, sorrow and misery will be drowned out and soaked up by all the goodness in this worlds. I know it's there.

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I always go to the back porch at 1 AM to smoke my joint in peace, but now I have a different reason for maintaining this routine. At exactly 1:14 AM every night, the Laugh comes out to the front porch to smoke a cigarette with her roommate or possibly just a friend, and as I am puffing into a higher level of being, I hear the Laugh laugh. One night as I'm walking back into the building, I catch a glimpse of the Laugh's hair: massive bundles perfectly balanced with clips that threaten to give way every time she throws her head back in laughter. Just as I am turning away the street light highlights streaks of reddish purple in her hair giving it a wild somewhat unruly manner. Is that a clue of the madness I am to encounter if I ever get myself in too deep? Or is it just a girl expressing her dynamic self? I would soon find out, but for now I just watch the metal elevator doors close and wonder if I will ever tap into such an interesting person.