Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What I Want To Be.

She holds herself in such a way that it seems like a powerful, self assured voice should escape when she opens her mouth; she throws her shoulders back and angles her body in the mirror and her eyes fixate on its intensity, it's focused; it's her. Her mouth opens but her voice does not sound like she looks; it is soft and wobbly and lingers with a misplaced confidence.

Her open mouth gives it away. When she opens up and her soul escapes and she is exposed. Why is she afraid to speak? It's because her voice speaks the truth. If she opens up the real her will blossom out of its fragile, deteriorating shell, so transparent and multifaceted that the only thing there is a scared, insecure body; no self, no identity, just a self conscious body. Everywhere she goes she is so aware of herself and needs to maintain a certain look, and present herself in a certain way; if she's not looking she could slip because it's always harder to be someone else.

Since she could never let the real her come out, she just stood out - in the backdrop of other people's lives. She took bits and pieces from people and became a little more like everyone else so when other people saw her it would seem like a powerful, self-assured voice would escape when she opened her mouth. Little did they know what you see isn't always what you get because she was a prop in other people's lives and never the star of her own. So she put on the best performance she could; she threw her shoulders back and angled her body in the face of the world, her eyes fixated on the main actors, their intensity, their focus: their hers. Her mouth opens, "...and that's what i want to be when I grow up."


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