Monday, October 19, 2009

09.

George Christian was the restless type, it was in his blood; his mother was the same way. After five years of being a mother, she got bored and left George in the care of his grandmother while she went on a vacation; just to relax and take a break. Twelve years later, his mother was still on vacation. Now at the age of 17, George's only reminder of his mother comes in the form of a card on his birthday and Christmas. George never knew his father, but figured that his father got restless with his mother and went on a vacation to relax and never came back. George tried to ignore the subtle cruelty his grandmother displaced towards him because she was bitter and resentful at having to raise another child; but he couldn't. George tried to love himself, accept himself, and acknowledge who he was; but he never felt love or acceptance from anyone in his life, so how could he be expected to do that for himself?

It wasn't just that, physically there was a lot of George to love. He ad a hard time looking at himself in a mirror, his height literally surpassed the rectangular glass that hung in his room. With so much of himself, his presence announced himself before he would even walk into a room. He hated that the steady, heavy, thumps of his feet approaching was often mistaken for the the low rumbling of a bus coming miles away, or so he was told by his classmates. Later George would carry his six foot six inch frame with a pride so forceful he would initially come across as intimidating until he got closer and his kind eyes smiled at you in a way that only someone who always stuck out like a sore thumb and came to turns with himself could. But as a teenager, George still felt awkward and clumsy as he positioned himself in two door sports cars and said he was comfortable when he really wished he was behind the wheel of his Ford SUV. Yet for all of his qualms about his height and his built, he convoluted the mix by discovering his true self in a gay chat room at the age of 14 under the guise of the screen name, Dark Chocolate. At first he thought a gay chat room was funny because here was a place where he could laugh at other people for being different, but when SexyRexy started chatting with him and probing him with questions, George took a real hard look at himself and wondered if it wasn't his size that made people look twice at him, but something that George had yet to notice.

He took the plunge figuring he had nothing to lose, but what he didn't know was the curiosity that he finally indulged was his last link to his youthful innocence that was lost when after two months of chatting, he met SexyRexy in the back corner of a deserted parking lot where Dark Chocolate last his virginity in the bed of a beat up Ford pick up truck that George felt immediately comfortable in.

From that moment on, George embraced his sexual, but he also abused it and used it to define himself. He made gay being a fashion statement, a personality trait, a way of thinking, an excuse for being sexually promiscuous, a scapegoat for having unsafe group sex. George embraced being gay and basked in all his homosexual glory, he wanted to shout it from the roof tops, "I'm Black and I'm Proud. I'm Gay and I'm Proud." But it never crossed George's mind to stop being gay and just be George.

1 comments:

M.J. said...

It is interesting how people chose to define themselves...

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