Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A New Outlook.

In the brief 20 minutes that I capture the attention of the people in the food court, I knew I was onto something; something big; something monumental; something life changing. I knew I only had a short time left and I had to make it worth while because unlike most kids my age, I had a deformity that had the potential to kill me. I think I envied that "child star" because he was able to achieve such great success in his short life whereas my life was almost over and I had not done anything. What being Shelley had taught me was, even if for a little while, I could be whomever I wanted and I planned to make the most of this opportunity.

Although at the time I couldn't quite articulate what I hoped to accomplish, it would ultimately be the escape I was looking for to forget about a reality that I was too young to handle or to truly understand the ramifications the situation would have on my life. In hindsight, I'm not sure that I'll ever be okay with my deformity or the results of the corrective action taken, but I did what was absolutely (medically) necessary at the time. Perhaps I should be (and I am) grateful for the procedure for saving my life, but I wish I'd done things differently, taken more preventative action rather than waiting for the most extreme means that had to be done or else...

So, during my 12th year when I had no other choice but to face my reality (although I was far from accepting it) I made the very "adult" decision to undergo a major operation to correct my repulsive, abnormal body. I also knew that this decision meant that I would never make it to my 13th year and while initially I was content on my fate, sitting in the SFO airport showed me a way to use my final year to live out all the lives I would never have.


M.J. said...

Have you not yet revealed the specifics of this deformity or did I miss an entry?

shansPLC said...

Hi MJ! I have not revealed the specifics yet, although I did tweak the ending of the last post to fit where I'm going with this series. thanks!

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