Monday, February 22, 2010

A Plan.

Thanks Corie Howell!

In life, I didn't believe in an after life, or in heaven, or in reincarnation. I believed that after life you died and that was that.

I find it interesting that I was wrong about death because I still feel so alive. To me death was the only sure thing you could count on, so I was prepared to fall out of the life of the living into the grit of the earth where everything goes to die and decay and end but sometimes, like in my case, something gets stirred up and creates a new form of existence, dare I say life? Because as far as I can tell, this, whatever it is, is similar to being alive. I find myself wandering as aimlessly as I did through life, although now I'm wondering how much this existence matters in the grand scheme of things.

You see, while I was living I was one of those people who didn't listen when I was told 'don't sweat the small things' because that's all I ever did; all the time. Every mole hill was a mountain, every deal a big one, I was so sure that I had only one shot to live my life that I wanted everything to be perfect and so I planned and stuck to the plan and was completely disoriented if things didn't go accordingly, so much so that I would crumble and break and lose my way completely.

I planned every single detail from what I would wear to work for the next month to the final outfit I would wear on the day I was put to eternal rest. I never figured out how to act if things didn't go my way until it was too late and I saw myself being put in the coffin in the white chiffon dress I was supposed to get married in instead of laying to rest in the Chanel suit that I hoped to be able to afford some day. I envied that body wearing my dress, it was beautiful and elegant in it's simplicity because that's the kind of person I was, muted and passive, downplaying my traits in an effort to hide who I was. The dress didn't announce a bride walking down the aisle, it commemorated a life that wilted like a flower whose petals have fallen, but the fragrance still lingers long after.

Oh, well, I guess that's life, and death. Since I have another shot at existence, I plan to make the most of it, I plan to figure this place out a little bit more, I know what I can and cannot interact with, although I have yet to find someone I can interact with. Everywhere I go all I see are blank, vacant stares of the living, head down avoiding eye contact, rushing to who knows where? I wonder if that's how I lived life too, because now I'm wide eyed and looking at everything and everyone hoping to find another soul just as eager as I am to connect.


M.J. said...

I think I'm going to like this series :)

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