Monday, March 29, 2010


Thanks DawnVGilmorePhotography!

I last thing I remember was being in the shower.

It was one of those showers that is meant to change you, you go in feeling one way and when you come out you are forever changed. The water washes over your exposed naked body and cleanses you of all the dirt and grime and sin and filth that contaminated you. The water is supposed to make it all better.

I remember stepping into the water and immediately feeling the stream of bullets beating against my back. I hoped that it was beating out all the bad and all the negative, and for a short while it seemed like it was working. It was in that moment that I felt my shoulders relax and my head roll back and then I realized the water was filling my mouth and drippng into my nose, now the water making me worse. I was choking on it and gagging because I couldn't breathe but instead of moving my head away from the relentless stream of water, I stayed. I let the water fill all the crevasses of my body and get deep into those hard to reach places hoping that I'll get cleaner, hoping to get better, hoping that all the kinks would somehow work itself out and I would be free from the constraints of my mind and my biases and my steadfast resolution of how things are supposed to be. I was finding out that I was very wrong about the direction my life was taking yet I was glued to this path because I had paved it for myself since I was a small child and like most things that are learned and ingrained at a young age, this was something I could not easily let go.

What is this path that I speak of you must be wondering, well I'll tell you. It is the idea that was drilled into me as a child, but perhaps has been ingrained into American culture and perpetuated through ones upbringing for many generations, that of graduating from college, going to grad school, starting a career, getting married, having children, growing old and eventually dying. It is on this path that I began to waiver, it was more than just doubts about to whom to married or how many kids or which profession, it was why do all these things? I questioned if these were the things that I wanted to do and if maybe a more none conventional approach was my answer because after trying and failing at the path laid out for me I was ready for a change, but not just any change, something monumental that would really shake things up, so I let the water fill my lungs and I didn't fight it, I let my consciousness escape me and I didn't try to chase after it, I let my head hit the faucet and I didn't feel it.

That was the first time I tried to kill myself.


Jill said...

i hope u are doing better now?

M.J. said...

Nice twist.

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