Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Deathday.

Thanks tochis!


March 27, 2010 marked the 13th anniversary of my aunt's death. It also became the day that I put my relationship of ten years to rest. Although it didn't die peacefully in it's sleep like she did. It raged on for hours and felt like it lasted for days and in a span of 12 hours I went from having it all with a boyfriend whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with to having nothing except an incredibly dry mouth from all the yelling and crying. I remember being very thirsty as I fought to hang onto what, at that time, felt like the most important thing in the world. Now it makes me think about other things that seemed so important while I was alive that do not even matter anymore and I have to wonder if they ever mattered.

We walk through life building ourselves, molding our character, aligning who we are with what we believe and if we can lay to rest at night without being tormented by our actions towards others and ourselves then we know we did good. And if we can continue to sleep with an unburdened conscious until our dying day then perhaps our final resting place will be the heaven we imagine it to be. But if you were like me and spent countless nights tossing and turning because you are unable to turn off your mind and you question everything that you are, then I think you may end up with a fate similar to mine when it's your time to go. Because I never had restful night's sleep, I never went without doubting myself and the things I did, and I never knew if I was good.

I've met other souls like mine wandering aimlessly in this place. You can tell them from the people who are alive by their eyes. They are vacant but eager empty but hopeful compared to those who live who have eyes that betray their existence because the are dull and careless, blank and tired. There is a park I like to go to that I never went to when I was alive because it was overrun with the dead or at least they didn't exist to me because they were homeless, they were society's rejects, they were abandoned and left to die. I come here now because I am one of them. I too am dead but still hanging onto life. But this feeling isn't new, the last time I felt this was the day everything that mattered to me died. After that it was easy to let everything else go.

3 comments:

SarahBeth said...

I'm sorry for your losses. Anniversaries like that can sometimes be tough. But hang in there, tomorrow is another day! :-)

shansPLC said...

thanks!!

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